You know when you read a book, or see a movie with an obscure, abstract title, you sort of wait for the epiphany of where the title came from, or how it relates to the plot? Keeping that in mind, I just turned the tv on to the Food Network, which is two channels away from Lifetime-Television for Women. Can I just say how absolutely hilarious LifeTime movies are? The titles of the movies themselves, is laugh out loud funny. It's like the network execs sit down and say, "These women don't want to be bothered with anything cryptic, or anything requiring any sort of thought, really....let's just makes this really easy for them." The show currently on is titled, "My Stepson, My Lover." Ha ha!! And Jessica and I still have our all-time favorite Lifetime movie, featuring the magnificent acting skills of Tori Spelling, titled, "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?" Swear on my life.....we still crack up over that one. Honestly, who comes up with these titles? It's like the substance of their movies alone doesn't draw in an audience, so they try to put the whole plot into the title in an attempt to catch your interest...."The Bipolar Nanny Who Slept With Her Rich Employer and then Murdered His Wife Only to Discover It Was Her Birthmother." okay, so I made that one up, but it's not too far off! But even as I sit here, smugly typing this, I know I am a hypocrite--who isn't guilty of sitting through some trashy, cheesy movie on Lifetime? Afterall, the network IS targeted soley to our gender, and I confess, they've suckerd me into sitting through some of the worst television movies I've ever seen, hours of my life I will never get back.
But I'll leave you with a list of titles (all legit, mind you) that are arguably LifeTime's finest, and I dare you, (double dare you!) to try to decipher what they are about:
Another Woman's Husband
Broken Silence: A Moment of Truth Movie
Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant
Death of a Cheerleader
Every Mother's Worst Fear
Single White Female 2: The Psycho
Terror in the Mall
The Wives He Forgot
When a Stranger Calls Back
When Danger Follows You Home....and finally,
Too Young To Be A Dad
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- Adam and Ginaea
- Annalee and Steve
- Becca and Kate
- Ben and Natalie
- Blair and Kim
- Cam and Mandy
- Celia and Scott
- Christy and Brett
- Dan and Janene
- Darby Neville
- DeGraff family
- Emily and Darren
- Gina and Brandon
- Heidi and Rhett
- Jenn and Adam
- Jenn and Todd
- Jenny and Brad
- Jessica and John
- Jessica Nally
- Kristy and Mark
- Lindsey and Micah
- Logan family
- Lori and Alex
- Maryam and Tom
- Melissa and Kyle
- Sara and Wade
- Spencer and Heather
- Summer and Bryan
- Tracy and Joe
- Wendy and Jake
Recent "Kate-isms"
the other day the doorbell rang and I told Kate not to answer it until I could look to see who it was. No one was there when I peeked out the window, so we opened the door and saw a package on the doorstep. Kate looked at me and said, "How did that package ring the doorbell?"
All our hard earned money spent on her Montessori school, and Kate has managed to go an entire school year still calling pre-school "pretty school." But it's probably because I have never once corrected her...I hope she thinks that's what it's called forever. :)
Kate says to me, "Mom, there is something in my eye! Oh, I got it out, it was just an eye wack." Eye wack, eye lash...same thing, right?
Jim had Kate pay $8 tithing from her Speedo photo shoot yesterday. On our way to church, Kate was explaining tithing to me: "I'm going to give my money to the prophet and he is going to send it to Jesus."
Kate's prayer tonight: "Please help Ezra...to not be a piglet. And please help Daddy to not be so wacky. " Her prayers are amazing, I should start tape recording them all.
I was doing Kate's hair and she said, "Ow mom, you just got that rectangular in my eyes!" Umm...that would be detangler, not rectangular. And to top it off, it was hairspray. Geesh, Kate, learn your product, would ya!
Her latest prayer: "Please help us that mom and her parents can say the prayer...sometimes. Please help us to get a lot of exercise. Please help Ezra to fold his arms and close his eyes. Please help us to have a lot of energy. Please help us to kick all the pokey things off the tramp". Everything is a Please help, or a Please Bless....apparently we need to work on the thankful part of our prayers!!!
I decided to be a good mom, and try to teach Kate the "true meaning" of Christmas. So I told her that we celebrate Christmas because it was the day that Jesus was born. And she says to me, in a sing song voice, "Yeah, when Jesus was in your tummy!". Umm, no Kate, i did not give birth to the Savior of the world. She kills me.....
Kate has had a fever now for a few days, and tonight she just looked so miserable. I said to her, "Oh sweetie, when are you going to feel better?" And she replied, "I don't know, maybe at ten o'clock." Oh sweet....cause right now it's 9:15. :)
Kate has been reading the book "The Tortoise and the Hare" lately, and yesterday on a walk she said, "hey momma, let's play slow and steady wins the race. I'll be slow, and you be steady." lol!
So tonight at dinner Kate says to Jim, "Hey Daddy, you know who thinks quickly when things start to shake?? Your brain, right here."(tapping her forehead). Apparently they learned about earthquakes today at preschool.
And her prayers these days! Someone should compile a book of all the hilarious things kids pray for....Kate said last night, "Please help us to bless the food....please help us to go to Sea World pretty soon....please help us to not talk silly talk....please help us to not hit or bite anyone......" Try keeping a straight face through that one!
Kate put on her Dora nightgown the other night and she kept saying, "Daddy, I don't like this nightgown! It's icky and skanky!!" Did I teach her skanky?? Seriously.
As some of you may know, we have a family from Germany staying with us right now. Kate calls them "the German girls". And today the girls were talking to each other, and Kate looked at me and said, "Those girls are talking in Germany."
Last night in her prayers, kate said this: "Please help us to drink apple juice and milk, and not throw up. Please help us to say "Jules the Musician" (a musician who came to her school a couple weeks ago), and please help us not to bite....remember what I said? and please bless Ezra....". How classic, I always say to her, "You remember what I said? If you touch Ezra again, you will be in time out." So here she is, what, threatening God? Out of the mouth of babes, I tell ya.
Today at the mall, she said to my friend Sara, "Sara, my whole life is soo tired." And she sighed, all exhausted. 3? or 30?
Kate says to me this afternoon: "Mommy, I want chicken nuggets for lunch......that means you have to get up." How sad is that? You can tell I've been stationed on the couch lately!
"But Grammy Kay I don't want you to go home! Who will be my best friend? No one.....no one will be my best friend." Now does that break your heart or what??
"mom, what happened to my show? You didn't ba-cord it?" record, ba-cord....same to her.
Being sick I offered her some Gatorade. Then she kept asking for her "Ungerator."
The other day Kate told me to list a word that started with a Q. I said, "Why don't you tell me a word that starts with the letter Q?" She paused for a minute, then said, "Cube."
Tonight at dinner she told me that I was Prince Eric, she was Ursula, and Jim's character was naturally....."Grimsby." (Prince Eric's butler). No Ariel, Flounder, Sebastian....but Grimsby manages to make his way into the line-up.
And finally, this example is why Kate is so exhausting....Kate at the dinner table tonight: "I had a birthday. I shared my Dora cake with Uncle Nick. But not the other Nick, the painter. He painted my room pink. I like the color pink. But I really like the color blue. My cup is blue....hey, (holding up cup) I need some water!" To which Jim and I just burst out laughing....talk about a stream of consciousness! She never shuts up! : )
All our hard earned money spent on her Montessori school, and Kate has managed to go an entire school year still calling pre-school "pretty school." But it's probably because I have never once corrected her...I hope she thinks that's what it's called forever. :)
Kate says to me, "Mom, there is something in my eye! Oh, I got it out, it was just an eye wack." Eye wack, eye lash...same thing, right?
Jim had Kate pay $8 tithing from her Speedo photo shoot yesterday. On our way to church, Kate was explaining tithing to me: "I'm going to give my money to the prophet and he is going to send it to Jesus."
Kate's prayer tonight: "Please help Ezra...to not be a piglet. And please help Daddy to not be so wacky. " Her prayers are amazing, I should start tape recording them all.
I was doing Kate's hair and she said, "Ow mom, you just got that rectangular in my eyes!" Umm...that would be detangler, not rectangular. And to top it off, it was hairspray. Geesh, Kate, learn your product, would ya!
Her latest prayer: "Please help us that mom and her parents can say the prayer...sometimes. Please help us to get a lot of exercise. Please help Ezra to fold his arms and close his eyes. Please help us to have a lot of energy. Please help us to kick all the pokey things off the tramp". Everything is a Please help, or a Please Bless....apparently we need to work on the thankful part of our prayers!!!
I decided to be a good mom, and try to teach Kate the "true meaning" of Christmas. So I told her that we celebrate Christmas because it was the day that Jesus was born. And she says to me, in a sing song voice, "Yeah, when Jesus was in your tummy!". Umm, no Kate, i did not give birth to the Savior of the world. She kills me.....
Kate has had a fever now for a few days, and tonight she just looked so miserable. I said to her, "Oh sweetie, when are you going to feel better?" And she replied, "I don't know, maybe at ten o'clock." Oh sweet....cause right now it's 9:15. :)
Kate has been reading the book "The Tortoise and the Hare" lately, and yesterday on a walk she said, "hey momma, let's play slow and steady wins the race. I'll be slow, and you be steady." lol!
So tonight at dinner Kate says to Jim, "Hey Daddy, you know who thinks quickly when things start to shake?? Your brain, right here."(tapping her forehead). Apparently they learned about earthquakes today at preschool.
And her prayers these days! Someone should compile a book of all the hilarious things kids pray for....Kate said last night, "Please help us to bless the food....please help us to go to Sea World pretty soon....please help us to not talk silly talk....please help us to not hit or bite anyone......" Try keeping a straight face through that one!
Kate put on her Dora nightgown the other night and she kept saying, "Daddy, I don't like this nightgown! It's icky and skanky!!" Did I teach her skanky?? Seriously.
As some of you may know, we have a family from Germany staying with us right now. Kate calls them "the German girls". And today the girls were talking to each other, and Kate looked at me and said, "Those girls are talking in Germany."
Last night in her prayers, kate said this: "Please help us to drink apple juice and milk, and not throw up. Please help us to say "Jules the Musician" (a musician who came to her school a couple weeks ago), and please help us not to bite....remember what I said? and please bless Ezra....". How classic, I always say to her, "You remember what I said? If you touch Ezra again, you will be in time out." So here she is, what, threatening God? Out of the mouth of babes, I tell ya.
Today at the mall, she said to my friend Sara, "Sara, my whole life is soo tired." And she sighed, all exhausted. 3? or 30?
Kate says to me this afternoon: "Mommy, I want chicken nuggets for lunch......that means you have to get up." How sad is that? You can tell I've been stationed on the couch lately!
"But Grammy Kay I don't want you to go home! Who will be my best friend? No one.....no one will be my best friend." Now does that break your heart or what??
"mom, what happened to my show? You didn't ba-cord it?" record, ba-cord....same to her.
Being sick I offered her some Gatorade. Then she kept asking for her "Ungerator."
The other day Kate told me to list a word that started with a Q. I said, "Why don't you tell me a word that starts with the letter Q?" She paused for a minute, then said, "Cube."
Tonight at dinner she told me that I was Prince Eric, she was Ursula, and Jim's character was naturally....."Grimsby." (Prince Eric's butler). No Ariel, Flounder, Sebastian....but Grimsby manages to make his way into the line-up.
And finally, this example is why Kate is so exhausting....Kate at the dinner table tonight: "I had a birthday. I shared my Dora cake with Uncle Nick. But not the other Nick, the painter. He painted my room pink. I like the color pink. But I really like the color blue. My cup is blue....hey, (holding up cup) I need some water!" To which Jim and I just burst out laughing....talk about a stream of consciousness! She never shuts up! : )
A Little Bit About Us
Jim: He enjoys working (wishes he could fit in more), surfing (doesn't get to do it enough), and spending time with his kids and family (does his best to put in some quality face time). Notice a theme, here? He also loves peach Haagen Daas while watching the Office and basically any activity that involves his two brothers. And just to keep it real here, Jim loves to shop/spend money. You should see the guy go at the outlets! Has been known to drop his wife and two kids off at the pool while he goes back to the mall to return a few things and pick up a couple more shirts. Ummm...can you say, metrosexual??
Adrienne: Might as well talk in first person, since we all know who is writing this! I love being a mom 99% of the time ;) , working out--just did a 10k and am training for my second half marathon, scrapbooking (which i basically never do anymore), blogging (or attempting it anyway), spending time with my "peeps", and watching all my shows (thank goodness for a summer hiatus!). Oh, and i like ice cream, too, but for some reason I can't work it into my daily weight watcher points!!
Kate: As my mom said recently, "Having Kate around is more like having a roommate around than a child!" Perhaps she is referring to her endless dialogue and neverending singing. She is so precocious, and she cracks us up constantly. She just started preschool, and we hope she'll dig it. She loves, loves, loves to swim, play with friends, and bug her brother.
Ezra: Little Ezzie bear....what a joy! At 10 1/2 months he has six teeth that has truly made nursing a "labor of love", he doesn't crawl, and he is the worst nighttime sleeper ever. BUT, I absolutely adore him and I cannot get enough! He is such a happy, pleasant baby....and I'm crazy about him.
Adrienne: Might as well talk in first person, since we all know who is writing this! I love being a mom 99% of the time ;) , working out--just did a 10k and am training for my second half marathon, scrapbooking (which i basically never do anymore), blogging (or attempting it anyway), spending time with my "peeps", and watching all my shows (thank goodness for a summer hiatus!). Oh, and i like ice cream, too, but for some reason I can't work it into my daily weight watcher points!!
Kate: As my mom said recently, "Having Kate around is more like having a roommate around than a child!" Perhaps she is referring to her endless dialogue and neverending singing. She is so precocious, and she cracks us up constantly. She just started preschool, and we hope she'll dig it. She loves, loves, loves to swim, play with friends, and bug her brother.
Ezra: Little Ezzie bear....what a joy! At 10 1/2 months he has six teeth that has truly made nursing a "labor of love", he doesn't crawl, and he is the worst nighttime sleeper ever. BUT, I absolutely adore him and I cannot get enough! He is such a happy, pleasant baby....and I'm crazy about him.
12 comments:
...."The Bipolar Nanny Who Slept With Her Rich Employer and then Murdered His Wife Only to Discover It Was Her Birthmother." OK, this is the best ever!!!! And how far did you have to look to find the titles of all those other dreadful LifeTime movies? You truly are "One of a Kind" -- and that's a compliment. Thanks for making what could be a dull life so full of entertainment!
I must say - hearing those titles made me realize that it's been a while since I wasted an afternoon on those Lifetime flicks. Nothing beats the "Mother May I Sleep With Danger." The title that really keeps me wondering is TOO YOUNG TO BE A DAD - I mean, what's that about??
Ummm, jess, i'm embarassed to even admit it but I've actually seen that one! lol! The girlfriend and her family want to "terminate" the pregnancy, but the teenage boyfriend and his family want to keep it. Oh the dilemma!
Seriously, I'm pathetic!
I have fallen victim to many a thing...reality shows, trashy mags, even romance novels, BUT Lifetime movies have not yet suckered me in. After hearing some of these titles, I may have to start.
by the way...did you just find these titles from your list of DVRed movies you are waiting to watch?
I have to say I am not a t.v watcher and have never seen one. Sounds like they are entertaining though!
I'm with Ali on this...I haven't been suckered in by many lifetime movies. Maybe if I got my lazy butt back to the gym, I would be subjected to them - seeing as they think that people working out in an women's gym all want to watch either A) Lifetime or B) MSNBC. Really? With all my TV watching, you would think that I would have known about "Too young to be a dad" or even "Terror in the mall" but nope. Tracy Gold, Meredith Baxter and Melissa Gilbert haven't been on my TV set in quite some time. This is going to be really long, but I thought I would include some more GREAT titles. (What can I say, everyone's in bed, and I have nothing to blog about myself!)
1. Ghost Prison
2. Secret Past
3. I Me Wed
4. My Name Is Sarah
5. Blind Trust
6. Passion's Web
7. Abducted: Fugitive for Love
8. Framed for Murder
9. Cleaverville
10. A Family Lost
11. All the Good Ones Are Married
12. Point of Entry
13. Storm Cell
14. The House Next Door
15. "Lisa Williams: Life Among the Dead"
16. Intimate Stranger
17. Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy
18. Thrill of the Kill
19. The Wives He Forgot
20. The Mermaid Chair
21. In Her Mother's Footsteps
22. Circle of Friends
23. Proof of Lies
24. 12 Hours to Live
25. Not Like Everyone Else
26. A Girl Like Me
27. Night of Terror
28. For One Night
29. For the Love of a Child
30. The Last Trimester
31. His and Her Christmas
32. Human Trafficking
33. Ambulance Girl
34. Fighting the Odds
35. Murder in the Hamptons
36. "I Married a Princess"
37. Lies and Deception
38. Widow on the Hill
39. Dawn Anna
40. Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story
41. Nice Guys Sleep Alone
42. Marry Me
43. The People Next Door
44. End of the Line "Girls' Night Out"
45. "Growing Up Together"
46. "Crisis Counselor"
They really don't leave much to the imagination!
My personal favorite is "Why I wore lipstick to my mastectomy."
And I lied before. I did watch the Mermaid Chair. It was actually really good! I didn't realize it was on Lifetime.
Adrienne, I was just sucked in this weekend to "A Father's Choice" and of course "Custody" I really need to get out more. Oh and don't worry the Lifetime series "Sider Order of Life" is on my Tivo Season Pass.
Hee. I love this post. The Wives He Forgot!?! I love it.
Oh Adrienne.. you are too funny! In college, mu roomates and I used to watch these Lifetime shows and love them. Since then I haven't seen one, but probably because my husband would never, EVER sit through one! They are pathetic, yet very intriguing (sp?) Take care! mandy
It has been a long time since I have seen a lifetime movie, but I used to always watch them. Not only are the titles bad, but the acting...oh man.
Lifetime...ouch. My husband too would never watch one. He actually goes so far to tell me, "is this uplifting"? They don't leave much to the imagination.
So...you probably didn't know I read your blog huh? Surprise. I tune in every once in a while. Anyway...Kate and I have come up with a game...guess the title of the life time movie. Wow, this can get out of control fast. We should probably send in the titles we've come up with I'm sure the lifetime peeps would use them, because their titles are just as ridiculous.
-Becca
My personal fav. P.E. Coach and Lover
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