All Joy and no Fun

I read the most interesting article the other other day in NY Magazine. "Why Parents Hate Parenting". You can read the article here.... All Joy and No Fun.

The article talked about how research now shows that kids don't make you less happy, but they don't really make you more happy either. "As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns." How depressing is that?!?

the article also said this: "what children really do is offer moments of transcendence, not an overall improvement in well-being." I don't know why, but I wanted to reject all these so called "findings" in these studies. But when I think about it, and get really honest, it is true. Just tonight for instance, Ivy was the last to go to bed. She was sitting by me playing blocks, and she said "Nonny, Nonny, (mommy)....watch!" and she stacked her blocks, held out her hands and said, "Ta Da!" I laughed out loud, and pinched her cheeks...my token gesture of not being able to resist her! But then, little Ivy proceeded to repeat this "nonny! nonny!....WATCH!" over and over and over. I was so over it. So is that not exactly what the article describes....sweet, irresistible Ivy provided me with a moment of "transcendence", a delicious moment that flipped in an instant to where she actually started irritating me?!? I have never known anything so hot and cold as parenting. Ezra grins at me, and I melt, thinking what a infectious smile he has, and then he senses my attention on him and he runs over and tackles me, hurting me and completely ruining any sentimentality I may have been feeling for him.

And one of the most poignant phrases was this: "While children deepen your emotional life, they shrink your outer world to the size of a teacup, at least for a while. (“All joy and no fun,” as an old friend with two young kids likes to say.)" I know this sounds awful...but it is so true. I don't think all parents are like this. Don't get me wrong....there are some activities that truly are "fun" to do with my kids. But they last for such a short period of time, and they are enveloped in tears, work, chores, fighting, whining, refereeing, and time. When you factor everything in, it is hard to remember that outing to the beach as just pure "fun." Why are the fun moments of every outing so elusive??

"Children may provide unrivaled moments of joy. But they also provide unrivaled moments of frustration, tedium, anxiety, heartbreak. This scene, which isn’t even all that awful or uncommon, makes it perfectly clear why parenting may be regarded as less fun than having dinner with friends or baking a cake. Loving one’s children and loving the act of parenting are not the same thing.". Man, if only i could have written this paragraph. And that is what i am honest about. I am not threatened in my love for my children. i know how deep it is, everyone who has had a child knows how deep it is....but parenting is a whole other ball game. I don't love it most days. It is why we as moms love when our kids are at outings or playdates, or we look forward to them being gone at school, or we are anxiously awaiting bedtime so we can finally get to the "enjoyable" things in our lives. But I also get that these "enjoyable" activities would probably diminish in their entertainment value if I didn't have kids driving me nutty all day, to the point where crocheting a hat while watching something as mindless as the Bachelor actually becomes something to look forward to!!

Parenting is such a complex thing to me, actually. I think in the gospel we are taught that it is the bigger picture that matters, which is why I think we have more children than other people. Raising my family gives me a sense of purpose, and while elusive, a constant daily reward, even if it is a fleeting moment of joy. Would I trade having kids and being a stay at home mom? Do I feel like I am making a sacrifice by having kids? Absolutely not. And yet, the majority of my days are spent doing things that I don't ever really feel like doing....i.e., chores, diapers, feeding, cleaning, changing, entertaining, chauffeuring, etc.

"The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight. It’s a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times. Perhaps it’s just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going. But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment." I guess parenting is just like everything else in life...the things that you work the hardest for, the thing that tests you the most, is often the thing that brings you the most satisfaction, blessing, and rewards. It is like forgetting just how awful pregnancy is, but inevitably, you do forget and you willingly do it again and again. This article calls this "forgetting" a "necessary alchemy". I call it God's sense of humor. But despite agreeing wholeheartedly (perhaps a little too much so :), with this article, I have 3 little people who I choose to spend every day with, and I wouldn't change that for anything. Even if they are all Joy and no Fun. :)