weekly update....

So I had my 38-week appt. today. I don't flatter myself into thinking everyone wants to know every update with this baby, but it's a journal, right? And I wrote everything down with my other two, and I'm so glad I did. It has been great to know what I can compare this pregnancy to.

Today my doctor told me I am dilated to a 4 and 60% effaced! Why am I not in labor? I have never gotten to a 4 before with my other two. I'm not due until Dec. 4th, so this is still pretty early to be in labor, but seriously, what is my body waiting for? My dr. stripped my membranes today (I was jumping off the table, it was that...."thorough"). So he was all pleased with my progress, and after the exam he told me he would go check his schedule. He came back in and told me that he is on-call on Saturday, so if I was to have any kind of contractions, that I could come in, and based on how full labor and delivery is, he will tell them to admit me. He said that sometimes he can get away with it, and sometimes he can't, since I will still only be 38 weeks and a couple of days. I asked him what I should do if I'm not having any contractions on Sat. morning, and he said, "Just call me on Sat. morning!" Will do, Dr. Winter, will do.

And then he said that if things don't pan out on Sat., at my appt. next Tuesday he will probably just send me over to the hospital. Such good news!!!! To think that I could possibly have a baby early is a trip! I'm always so jealous of other people but I have never been so lucky! I am getting excited to meet this baby, and I am relieved to hear that labor and delivery should probably be as quick and smooth as the other two were. Will my babe have hair like Kate? What will she weigh if she is earlier than my other two? Will I get a baby in the 7 lb. range like I always pictured? What will her name be? This is one of the best moments about pregnancy--all the exciting anticipation in the 11th hour!

So most people describe a baby as a new "addition" to your family....then why do I feel a sense of loss in some ways? I have been so sentimental these last few days. Every time I look at Ezra, I feel like I need to freeze time and preserve my last few moments with him as my baby. I feel so sorry for him because I know he has no concept of how much things are going to change. And I realize that if he is unaware of everything, why do I feel bad? But I do. I feel like this new baby robs my other two kids of their babyhood. Kate will have to be more self-sufficient now, and even more of a helper. Ezra will have to fend for himself more now as well, and watch his mom devote a lot of her time to someone else. I also know that when I am tired or overwhelmed or frazzled with a crying baby, I am going to be short with my other two kids. And that makes me sad. I don't know....I have said to Jim lately that I have never known anything like motherhood in the sense that you can feel so many different emotions in literally the same instant. For example, I will be driving and I will glance back at my kids in their car seats, sitting up so big just taking in the world, and my heart feels like it might burst with love for them. But a split second later, the moment is gone and they are fighting and I'm now feeling frustrated with both of them. Motherhood is so unpredictable, and you add in a huge life change and some pregnancy hormones, and you've got yourself a walking mess like I have been these last few weeks! But I'm crazy about my kids, and I hope that this next little babe will always be an "addition" to our family in their eyes.

So here's hoping there will be no 39-week update next week!!